Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners

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As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, sometimes we just need a bit of humor to lighten up our day. For those occasions, funny quotes and one-liners are quite effective, especially when they poke fun at our everyday annoyances, whether it be politics, work, aging or marriage.

Not content with finding these humorous quotes on only bumper stickers, we set out to put together a list of them. After browsing through quotation websites like Quotery, Wikiquote, and BQ for a couple hours, we were able to find quite a few gems. Below, you’ll find the Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners that are sure to put a smile on your face.

1.

“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” – Unknown

2.

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

3.

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” – José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

4. “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” – Unknown

5.

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

6.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” – Oscar Wilde

7.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

8.

“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” – Unknown

9.

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” – Albert Einstein

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen

12.

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe

13.

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” – Al McGuire

14.

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

15.

“Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” – Unknown

16.

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” – Sam Levenson

17.

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson

18.

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

19.

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” – Will Rogers

20.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Steven Wright

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